2 years . . .

2 years
730 days
104 weeks
17520 hours . . . without him.

It still hurts, I'm not going to lie. 

As I really reflect I have to say that I think the bulk of my hurt is from what I miss for my kids.  Sure I miss my dad, he was an amazing man, and his presence did not go unnoticed.  But I was lucky, I got 30 years with him.  30 years to experience his influence, his wisdom, and to honestly know how proud he was of the woman I had become and the family Chris and I created.  I was SO BLESSED.

But my kids, they are the ones missing out. For Aubrey, Poppy is a faint memory that I feverishly work to help her keep. I show her pictures, I remind her of stories of trips we took, vists to the farm, anything that can help to paint a picture in her mind of how much he loved her. For Mia, well this one hurts even more, because I have to admit that she has no memory of Poppy. And as hard as that is to admit I know that makes my job even more important, I have to show her who he was what was important to him, and again how much he loved her.
I think about their ages. Aubrey was 3 1/2 when Poppy passed away. In that moment, on that day, she grew up. I have said it before, but she consoled me. She could sense when I needed a hug and she was there. I think about that now that Mia is 3, not quite 3 1/2 but still, the age that Aubrey was. How did I expect Aubrey to understand the weight of what happened to us on November 2nd. And as I said Mia was just too young, 16 months old, to have any idea of what happened on that day.
I have been told over time the sharpness of the pain and grief fade and you start to relish the memories that you have. I am getting there, I am able to recognize the ways that I am blessed. I am BLESSED for the memories that I have. We are BLESSED for the time that we had with him. We are BLESSED that our family celebrated Mom & Dad's 40 years of marriage just weeks before the accident. We had time to be together, the entire family, and celebrate what was important.

But there are still those days. Days where the pain is physical it hurts so bad. Where all I want is to touch his hand, feel his strength in a hug, and feel his whiskers. Oh how my girls loved those whiskers.  I looked back through pictures and smile so much at the memories we made, but I cry over the memories he has missed out on.

So to our angel in heaven - words can't say how much you are missed.  2 years after the day that rocked my world I am still in shock, still want someone to tell me it was a bad dream, still just want it to be over.  But also I am learning how to go on in a world without you.  And learning how to teach my kids just how much you loved them and were proud of them.  So continue to watch over us, we are SO BLESSED to have a special angel like you.